Its Three am.
Such an odd time to experience odd thoughts.
I've been sitting here contemplating my life. Such a lonely place I've been in since a very long time. 8 study tables, 8 chairs, two well lit tube lights (which if goes off will send chills down my spine and make me go running out the corridor into my room),a ceiling fan which is the only other noise I can hear apart from my breath and oh well this disgusting sound that my friend's laptop is making, It's a pretty big room for a person to be sitting alone at this hour. Nevertheless I am enjoying the little details.
I also forgot to mention that crows caw at three am. Seriously. The wind in the hallway is slamming all the iron doors and scaring the hell out of me. Silence. That's what this is all about. I want to write about the silence I listen now. Its pretty loud and it damn well surpasses all the other little stupid noises around.
The main reason I am up now is to study for my tomorrow's exam. I am the only one (I guess) in my entire hostel to be doing this right now 'cos I see nobody else in any other study rooms as well.
Let me get to the point of why I am writing this. First of all; I am bored. Yes but there's something beyond my comprehension here. What can silence and seclusion do to a person? Why am I choosing to study at these hours when I am almost free for pretty much 12 hours during the day or while everyone else studies? I am scared to be alone. Or "was". Things have changed a lot lately & I have discovered that I ain't scared of anything rather than this Silence. This silence is killing me. Like literally. I want to kill myself. I used to think that mirrors reflect you the best, but I was wrong. It's silence that does. Silence makes you feel worthless because it is in silence that you remember every awkward thing you did since your childhood. And its not interesting because I've pretty much did the worst possible things with my life. And I certainly don't want to be recalling it right now. But why do people enjoy self-hate? How did I succumb to this feeling?
I used to love me. I used to feel beautiful, I really used to (mostly cos my ex made me feel so). But I've lost it all. I am not able to stand in front of the mirror and look at myself anymore. This is not an exaggeration people, it happens! I can't look at my arms without wanting to cut it, numerous times, deep. I really don't want to be sitting here thinking about dying while everyone else is having their beauty sleep. I have never upto this point in my life hated myself this deep. At first I thought I just wanted to cut myself without wanting to die. But the more I did it, the more I realized I deserve more of that pain. And later started to realized I don't deserve this skin itself, also the flesh or bones, spare the heart I wish I had one! I'm just an embodiment of depression. That's all that's in me. And thanks to this silence, I can see myself clearly. I'm starting to remember every lie I told my parents, every little disgusting thing I've done so far and it definitely its't pleasing to me and I really hate myself.
So, please do not get closer to silence, it will take you away forever.
P.S: This is not a note of self-pity.
Such an odd time to experience odd thoughts.
I've been sitting here contemplating my life. Such a lonely place I've been in since a very long time. 8 study tables, 8 chairs, two well lit tube lights (which if goes off will send chills down my spine and make me go running out the corridor into my room),a ceiling fan which is the only other noise I can hear apart from my breath and oh well this disgusting sound that my friend's laptop is making, It's a pretty big room for a person to be sitting alone at this hour. Nevertheless I am enjoying the little details.
I also forgot to mention that crows caw at three am. Seriously. The wind in the hallway is slamming all the iron doors and scaring the hell out of me. Silence. That's what this is all about. I want to write about the silence I listen now. Its pretty loud and it damn well surpasses all the other little stupid noises around.
The main reason I am up now is to study for my tomorrow's exam. I am the only one (I guess) in my entire hostel to be doing this right now 'cos I see nobody else in any other study rooms as well.
Let me get to the point of why I am writing this. First of all; I am bored. Yes but there's something beyond my comprehension here. What can silence and seclusion do to a person? Why am I choosing to study at these hours when I am almost free for pretty much 12 hours during the day or while everyone else studies? I am scared to be alone. Or "was". Things have changed a lot lately & I have discovered that I ain't scared of anything rather than this Silence. This silence is killing me. Like literally. I want to kill myself. I used to think that mirrors reflect you the best, but I was wrong. It's silence that does. Silence makes you feel worthless because it is in silence that you remember every awkward thing you did since your childhood. And its not interesting because I've pretty much did the worst possible things with my life. And I certainly don't want to be recalling it right now. But why do people enjoy self-hate? How did I succumb to this feeling?
I used to love me. I used to feel beautiful, I really used to (mostly cos my ex made me feel so). But I've lost it all. I am not able to stand in front of the mirror and look at myself anymore. This is not an exaggeration people, it happens! I can't look at my arms without wanting to cut it, numerous times, deep. I really don't want to be sitting here thinking about dying while everyone else is having their beauty sleep. I have never upto this point in my life hated myself this deep. At first I thought I just wanted to cut myself without wanting to die. But the more I did it, the more I realized I deserve more of that pain. And later started to realized I don't deserve this skin itself, also the flesh or bones, spare the heart I wish I had one! I'm just an embodiment of depression. That's all that's in me. And thanks to this silence, I can see myself clearly. I'm starting to remember every lie I told my parents, every little disgusting thing I've done so far and it definitely its't pleasing to me and I really hate myself.
So, please do not get closer to silence, it will take you away forever.
P.S: This is not a note of self-pity.
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